Not too serious.

Now that this blog is public world wide, I want to give a better first impression. So, the downside to being an internet celebrity is that you are fair game for anyone to come creep your blog or your page. That's cool with me though. There is a large body of mediocrity out there, and everyone wants to be an internet celeb. By the way, I'm being silly again because I don't think I'm a celebrity at all. In fact, if the internet didn't exist, I'd probably crawl into a hole somewhere and never come out. But, the internet does exist. People are going to read this. People will hate me, and that's just what I have to deal with. In short, I'm not particularly unique from the million other guys out there "doing the internet." I'm here to be silly, sometimes inappropriate, and to have fun. Don't take yourself too seriously, and I'll do the same.

How To Hypnotize a Chicken

A fellow blogger recently posted a how-to guide on removing blood stains. While this is not a self-help website, it is sometimes-attempt-to-be-humorous website. Thus, I will continue on how to hypnotize a chicken, as our elders have passed down for centuries.

While there are many ways to hypnotize a chicken, we will only consider one method. The first step is to gently restrain the chicken and place it on its back on your lap. About an inch or two from the chicken's beak wave the flattened palm of your hand in a gentle circular motion. Between five and ten circles the chicken will go limp.

Now you have successfully hypnotized a chicken, please do not harm any animals if this is attempted at home. Be nice to chickens and don't eat them. Only use them for their eggs, and always give chickens at least one acre of space per chicken for adequate space to freely roam.

This is an attempt at humor. I think it has failed miserably.

Billy Participates at Church

So my neighbor Billy is a great guy. I hope that he never thinks my "Billy Stories" are meant to disparage him. Labor day weekend we sat around drinking beers and eating burgers from the grill. After showing me his Hot Wheels collection, he started telling me about how short the mass was on Saturday.

Hurricane Isaac had knocked out power to the surrounding area, so church had to be held in the gymnasium. On a typical Saturday Billy brings his wife and MiL to church, but he waits in the car because he doesn't believe in all that "voodoo bullshit." But this was different, this time he participated by directing traffic to the auditorium where mass was held.

As Billy puts it, the people would drive up and he would say:

Billy: "park over there, church is in the auditorium today"

Churchgoer: "is there AC?"

Billy: "nope!"

Then each churchgoer would swing the car around and promptly leave, skipping church. Billy wants to know "what are they going to do when they get to hell?"

There is no clock on my business

Well, the jakes is occupied. It will be for some time.

I do not entertain hypotheticals. The world as it is is vexing enough.

I heard he has true grit.

Who wants to talk food?

Whatever you do don't bring up the topic of food in my presence unless you really want to talk about food. Once I get started it's hard for me to stop. I'm always looking for new information about nutrition, health, cooking, and anything else food related. The current state of our food is a topic that is very near to my heart, and it is often that I ruminate over things that most people may not even consider.

My journey into food began around the year 2001 with the book Eat Drink and Be Healthy. Besides re-learning what I'd heard as a child when my dad started Sugar Busters: eat a balanced diet, mostly vegetables, lean forms of protein, eat whole wheat pasta and bread, brown rice, and sweet potatoes. I also learned about sugar and fat, and it was the first time I'd ever heard of a trans fat.

From that point on my life was changed. Trans fats mesmerized me. It was a secret that no one cared to know about, and the topic was rarely discussed, and very quickly dismissed. But the words "partially hydrogenated soybean oil" would leap out at me on every list of ingredient. It was unavoidable. How can you know that something is that horrible for your body and just ignore it? The stream of products containing the ingredients seemed overwhelmingly ubiquitous.

One thing I still remember to this day, is an article about trans fat in Europe. When the EU learned the dangers of the fats it passed a law banning the substance. When the news reached the US our industry leaders did not press to ban the substance, but hired PR teams and attorneys to get the industry message out. Since then I've felt that I've been deceived. The companies that are trying to save pennies on the dollar, I get it. But what about the government's duty to protect and inform our citizens? These questions, and more, opened up a Pandora's box of information. Since then we've had the food pyramid changed a few times and the threat of obesity has grown ever more dangerous.

So, you wanna talk food?

"A society grows great when old men plant trees whose shades they know they shall never sit in"

According to the Internet it's a Greek Proverb.